


Equivocate

by nurkat



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Away Mission Gone Wrong, Blood and Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Lying reader, Sick Fic, Whump, away mission, injured reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:07:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26202397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nurkat/pseuds/nurkat
Summary: Reader/Leonard go on an away mission.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sandmann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandmann/gifts).



> Written on a rainy sunday for Sandmann,
> 
> Based on their prompt: Leonard and Reader get into an argument/fight.   
> While still not talking to each other they end up being stuck in a situation (away mission gone wrong...) where they are forced to work together and / or Reader refuses to accept Leonard’s help (she got injured and won’t tell him/takes care of it herself …).

“Jim, I just can’t handle his incessant behavior!” I forced through angry, gritted teeth, “He’s … infuriating!”

The Captain seemed unfazed by my emotions, “I’m waiting for you to tell me something I don’t know”. I watch as he casually takes what appears to be a legume from a small dish on his desk.

I relax and lean against the wall, letting out a deep breath, “I just wanted more from him, and I don’t think he’s ready. He’d walk away from all of this, from us, because it’s the path of least resistance.”

“Nah”, Jim said. “Don’t get me wrong, for being one of the smartest guys I know, he’s awfully dumb with the ladies”. Jim stands up to walk over to me, “but I think you’re reading in to this. Bones just isn’t all touchy-feely, you know?”

“Yeah, I am well aware.”

“He’s married to his job, and he just…” Jim paused. “I think he’s scared. You guys are pretty serious”.

“We talked about this! He said he wanted a serious relationship. He doesn’t like to date. It’s not like we’re kids…” He looked at me as if I said something that wasn’t fully true. I opened my mouth to speak but I stopped.

“Exactly,” he finished.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, but he was right. _We’re not kids. We don’t want to date. Maybe I am overreacting.I just want him to choose me over work sometimes._

_“_ I know what will get your mind off of this. You’re assigned to the away mission tomorrow, meet me in the shuttle bay at 0600 hours,” Jim said with his signature smile before raising his hand to place another snack in his mouth.

“Dismissed Ensign,” he said, before I even had a chance to protest.

I began to argue with myself in my head. _I get that his work is so important. Me, more than anyone understands. But to cancel a dinner date for a simple arm fracture… He’s not the only doctor capable. Hell, any of us nurses are capable of treating most injuries we see on a day-to-day. He needs to understand setting limits for himself. … Maybe that’s why he’s so grumpy._

“That son of a —“ I mumbled as I stopped in stride. I _know what he’s doing! This is a medical relief mission and Leonard will be there too. That sneaky little —_

My name came off the lips of Leonard as he acknowledged me, passing by as he headed to the bridge.

“Doctor, “ I said flatly, still deep in thought and angry. I continued back to sickbay. _He didn’t even seem bothered. Or that he was upset that I was upset. I just want to shake him!_

I was addressed by my title as soon as I walked in. It was so old fashioned to refer to someone as _nurse._ I clearly preferred the use of my first name, or even rank. “We’re preparing supplies for the mission tomorrow,” the crewman started.

“Yes, I’ve now been assigned to the away team,” I informed.

“Perfect. I’d like to go over our inventory for supplies and see what else we may need. I didn’t want to interrupt the other nurses from their duties.”

_But I’ve got the time, sure._ I did my best to not show any contempt at the ask, “OK, lets see what you have already. I only glanced over the briefing from yesterday, but I can give you some direction. But let me look it over more thoroughly this time and I can give you a list to begin replicating”.

Once completed, I sat down at my desk to review the full briefing. A new addendum to it was recently changed. I saw my name, and then only Leonard as the medical away team members. I re-read to ensure the others weren’t medical. _Damn it, Jim. You said you wanted to take my mind off of this, now you’re throwing me into the lion’s den!_ I placed my head in my hands over the computer as I felt the small twinge of a tension headache begin.

————————————-————————————-————————————-————————————-—————————

My alarm went off at exactly 0500. I apparently decided to snooze twice before groggily rolling over and seeing 0535. My heart jumped into my throat and it thrusted me out of bed. “I am not giving him something to reprimand me for..” I grumbled with my toothbrush vibrating in my mouth. I was a bit thankful that my thoughts kept me awake. I packed and set everything out before trying to sleep. I don’t think I even managed to crawl into bed until 0200.

I grabbed my away-mission med kit, my personal bag and raced to the shuttle bay. The doors opened with everyone standing by the open shuttle. Leonard looked at me and gave a slight smile. I acknowledged him as I saw the clock at 0559. I let out a sigh, trying to catch my breath from my little jog.

Jim gave our briefing before wishing the 4 of us good luck.

_Wait, the 4 of us? I thought he was going! His name was on the briefing last night!_

He must have seen the concern in my eyes. “Last minute change of plans, Ensign,” he smirked as he slapped my shoulder. “You’re gonna do great,” he winked.

I stared at Jim as he left, squinting in contempt.

“Didn’t know you were on this trip, Darlin’. Thought it was just me.” Leonard said as he helped to load items next to me.

His words broke my death glare, “I guess the Captain wanted to make sure you were supported, Doctor”. Addressing Leonard by title was actually his preference, as he wanted to maintain professionalism while working. I agreed with his reasoning, however it made it quite difficult to remind him of me being upset.

I greeted the rest of the crew as we boarded and prepared to leave the Enterprise. The other two were officers I did not know well. Ensign Anderson and Lieutenant Kolb. I didn’t see them in sickbay often enough to get to know them. I suppose that is a good thing, for them. They must be safe, knowledgable, capable. Not that the others who were injured weren’t. I continued to ramble in my head, anything really to keep the intrusive thoughts about Leonard out. The ride would be about an hour to get to the surface of the planet.

I caught myself looking at him occasionally as we sat across from each other in the shuttle. I loved the way his nose wrinkled ever so slightly when he was annoyed. And lets face it, that was most of the time anyways.

Or at least I thought I was being inconspicuous. Our eyes met, and my heart fluttered. I wanted to be happy, and hug him, and hear how much I mattered to him. I wanted him to call me by my first name; his accent giving it a southern twist.

A majority of the ride was smooth as expected. This was a supply mission, and Leonard and I were to assess the state of their sick and injured since they reported so many were. But we were told that there were hostiles still attacking their hospitals and camps.

The shuttle shook violently as alarms started to go off from the console. “They’re firing from the surface!” Lieutenant Kolb stated.

“Evasive action,” said the Doctor, being of highest rank.

“Sir, our left nacelle has been hit and is barely responsive! We are going to have to try and set her down as best we can,” I could hear the Lieutenants voice shake as concern mixed with the typical Starfleet poise.

“Prepare for emergency landing,” Ensign Anderson said.

As the reinforced belts cascaded down, Leonard looked at me with concern and my eyes reflected the same. I could tell he was worried, and not just about this.

The shuttle hit **_hard_**.

The initial jolt sent my body forcefully into the restraints as secured items erupted from the cargo area. I saw small containers flying towards us, then, nothing.

————————————-————————————-————————————-————————————-—————————

My head was pounding. I felt as though I was underwater, and Leonard was 100 meters away calling my name. A ringing shot through my head, as nausea catapulted from the pit of my stomach.

“Doctor,” A familiar voice said urgently before continuing.

“She’s dead.” I heard more clearly. He sounded closer, as he said my name again. I felt warmth on my cheek.

“Len,” I groaned.

“Hey,” he said gently, more than he’s ever been.

“I’m ok,” I managed before even opening my eyes.

“You’re not, you’ve at least got a concussion. Open your eyes for me.”

It took a moment to muster the energy. The light seared into my eyes and I promptly closed them.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Leonard said matter of factly. I felt the pressure of a hypospray on my neck and relief began to wash over. I slowly opened my eyes to see Leonard, blurry, but smirking. “That will help just get you out of here,” he said as he unbuckled my restraints.

“I feel much better, Len, thank you”. I steadied myself on him as I stood from my seat.

The navigation and piloting console was flickering, and smoking. The other Ensign was lifeless and slumped over in her chair, the restraints keeping her body in the seat. She was bloodied and pale. Her eyes were slightly open and she looked like husk; a shell of a human. Blood was everywhere.

I felt nausea, anxiety, and pain rise from my core. My head was dizzy. I heard Leonard telling me to take it easy, but I didn’t know what to do.

“Are ya hurt anywhere else, sugar?” He said, his eyebrows furrowed as I looked him in his eye. The blood that had seeped from a small laceration on his head had made its way to his jaw.

“No,” I said before moving out of the shuttle with him. “Are you, OK?”

“Nothing a few sutures won’t fix,” Leonard quipped. “Now what the hell happened, Lieutenant?”

“They shot us, sir?”

“I know that, but who?! Was it the Cardineans? We’re here to help them!”

“I don’t know sir, I didn’t have time to analyze the weapon signature.”

Leonard flipped his communicator open and attempted to hail the Enterprise. He continued for a few moments before flicking the lid closed and cursing under his breath.

Leonard sat me on the ground to rest. I leaned against a tall rock for support. I felt exhausted. And something wasn’t right. Leonard went to tend to Lieutenant Kolb who appears to have sustained minor and superficial injuries.

Something indeed wasn’t right. As I sat, I felt a tightness in my gut and pain when I breathed. Each conscious minute brought new realization of pain. _Fuck_ , was all I could think. We have to get out of here, all of us. And I can’t have Len worrying about me. _He’s married to his work_ , the words of Jim faintly echoed. He will be more concerned with me, than getting us help. Ensign Anderson is already dead…. _I’m OK. I’ll be OK._

My breath began to quicken and I repositioned. I was quiet as not not alert the others, but something was very wrong. I closed my eyes, controlling my breathing.

Leonard called my name.

I opened my eyes, “yes, Doctor,” I said. He looked me over as if he wanted to say something. His eyes narrowed as he assessed. I thought as quickly as I could, “the light is starting to bother me again,” I lied, “I was thinking though, what if I recalibrated a communicator to send an SOS signal to the Enterprise?”

Kolb spoke up, “we may also be telling our attackers exactly where we are.”

“They’re going to know where to look with that little smoke plume,” I motioned back to the shuttle.

“She’s right,” Leonard agreed. “But we will need to be ready to move if someone notices us”.

_Oh no,_ I thought. But I shook the thought out of my mind. _I’m OK. It’s OK._ I focused on my breathing to recenter myself.

I offered to set up the SOS, but Kolb wanted to do it instead, he insisted he could interface it with the remaining shuttle’s power in order to boost the signal.

Leonard took a seat next to me. He looked pale and exhausted already. “Len, are you sure you’re OK?” Part of me wanted to project on to him. I thought if I take his focus away from me… I didn’t give him a chance to answer before taking out a tricorder to assess him myself. “Nurses orders, “ I smirked at him.

“I’m fine, “ he stated dryly.

I narrowed my eyes at the tricorder, “I would disagree, doctor. That laceration to your head is still bleeding. I’d recommend a hemostatic gel. It also appears that you have subluxed your left shoulder which is most likely why you helped me with your right. Do you have any trouble moving it?” He looked at me, speechless at first, before complying and attempting range of motion. “I’ll need to assess that further once we’re back in sickbay”.

The role reversal felt good. I felt empowered.

“I’ll look for the hemostatic agent in the shuttle, its probably in one of the smaller containers, “ I slowly stood myself up, using the rock I was leaning on for support. I took a step and felt pain seer through my body. I took deep breaths through my nose as I continued until finally, I found myself holding my breath and getting dizzy. I wobbled and felt Kolb catch me. “It’s just my head, I’m ok,” I assured.

“Why don’t you just settle down over here, and take it easy, like a person with a concussion should do,” Leonard said sternly.

Kolb helped me back to my spot next to Leonard, and even with his help, I couldn’t help but flinch and grab my side. A groan escaped my lips.

I sat down abruptly and the shock caused me to double over in pain.

I could feel Leonard next to me. The beeping of the tricorder assessing me as I just did him. “My God, you were lying! Lieutenant help me lay her back a bit. She’s got a few broken ribs but her spleen is lacerated”. The dizziness was not subsiding and neither was the pain. He cursed me as he gave me one hypo after the other. “Damn it, why would you hide this?! You’re bleeding too much!” I could hear the worry mixed with anger in his voice.

“I didn’t,” I lied weakly. “I was feeling OK.”

“That’s a crock of horse shit. Hey! Hey! I need you to stay with me. Open your eyes!” He kept repeating my name. He began to sound far away again. My eyes were too heavy to open.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)
> 
> Thank you all so so so much for the comments and kudos on the first chapter!  
> Hope this resolves to your liking.

It was cold. The chill in the air seemed to go right through me. My body began to shake and bring me back into uncomfortable consciousness. I could hear him; Leonard. Kolb too. It was difficult to understand but I know it was them. The breeze brought the smell of smoldering brush and the air was thick. I slowly began to feel most of my body. I was expecting pain, but I only felt tired and sore.

“This will keep you warm, sweetheart,” my favorite voice said. The emergency blanket crinkled as Leonard draped it over me. “I know you’re cold,” he started. He continued to talk to me with rhetorical concern. His voice was low, and disappointed, “I just don’t get what you were trying to prove”. I could hear the sound of the tricorder again and a grunt of disapproval. “You could die, do you understand that? If that rescue shuttle doesn’t get here soon, I just — It’s too dirty to fix you here. Promise me you’ll hang in there. I can’t lose you.” I felt a warm hand grasp my own.

My heart was full from his words, “Len,“ I rasped slowly with a dry mouth, “I’m OK. I just feel tired is all”.I opened my eyes but they seemed heavy. He was there when they finally focused; he was close. His dark eyebrows were furrowed in concern.

“I gave you something for the pain. Try not to move, i think I’ve slowed the bleeding for now, but I’ll need to keep checking your blood pressure”.

I felt a sense of guilt about our situation. As memory of the recent events pieced back together, my heart raced with anxiety. “Len, did you figure out who shot us? What about all of these supplies”?

I felt him press my shoulder, keeping me from attempting to sit up or move. “Hey, the first thing you need to do, is listen to me. The second thing is, don’t move”. I relaxed back into the ground, my heart still in my throat. I felt the pressure of a hypospray again, and a warm feeling surged from the point on my neck. I felt my body relax without me willing it to. My breathing slowed on it’s own and my worry faded. “Something to keep you calm,” Leonard said, “I can’t have you move. You know as well as I do what a lacerated spleen will do without proper treatment”. He paused before continuing, “It was the Larmasa. They’re the reason we’re here. The Cardineans have called for a cease-fire with them and they have requested help from the federation in the form of medical aid. You read the briefing, I don’t need to bore you.Of course not everyone was so enthused about the cease-fire. Seems an extremist group have created the energy distortion field which is why we took a shuttle to begin with”.

“What about the Cardineans?” I managed.

Kolb interjected, “they’re extremely apologetic, but it’s difficult with the cease-fire. They’re working with the Larmasa, however with their resources spread too thin and the fact that we’re far from their city makes things difficult.”

“Lieutenant, can you contact the Enterprise again, see what their ETA is?” Leonard kept his eyes on me as he spoke to Kolb. “We were able to send an SOS to the enterprise and then recalibrate our communications console. It was a stroke of genius by the Lieutenant here”.

“That’s good news,” I smiled, but my eyes began to feel heavy. Leonard paused for a few moments. I could feel him staring at me as I rested my eyes.

His voice was low and disappointed, “why didn’t you tell me?”

I exhaled before opening my eyes to answer.

_Do I tell him the truth?_

_What is the truth?_

_He’s here when I need him._

_This is who he is._

_How do I tell him to change for me?_

_If I really love him, I shouldn’t be asking him to change._

_He’s clueless, anyways._

_I should love Leonard, as Leonard…_

I spoke soft and slowly; my voice was almost a whisper, “Leonard, I’m getting to know you. You would have focused your attention on me instead of the situation. You and Kolb wouldn’t have figured out how to contact the Enterprise so quickly. That’s who you are, and I need to accept you, for you. I couldn’t give you that choice to make”. I paused as I took a painful deep breath, “I also figured we’d be out of here by now—“ I could feel pain turning to nausea and dizziness.

I felt chilled again. Leonard looked over immediately; he must have felt me shiver. He said I looked pale. “Now you just need to take it easy. Jim should be here soon,” he seemed worried, before grabbing his equipment.

“It’s been such a long day, I’m ready for bed. I’ll set an alarm,” I whispered. I didn’t feel much pain anymore. Just cold; tired.

“Damn it, you’re delirious from the blood loss,” I felt him shake me. “Stay awake for me, darlin’?”

I felt like I was floating above myself. I could see Leonard assessing and scanning, giving me medications. I looked peaceful.

————————————-————————————-————————————-————————————-—————————

I felt myself gently waking. It was quiet, aside from a few soft sounding alarms that seemed to emanate from over my head. When I opened my eyes, I had to blink a few times to see clearly. The room felt … sterile. The bed was soft and I was warm and comfortable. I took a deep breath and the air was clean and crisp.

The lights were dim, but I was quite sure this was sickbay.

I shifted and let my arms feel the edge of the biobed. My toes flexing moved the blanket and this must have caught the good Doctor’s attention.

“I see you’re awake,” Leonard said, a slight smile forming from the curl in his lip. He walked over towards me from his office.

I felt so good, I sat myself up at almost 90 degrees before my left side stabbed with an intense pain, enough to stop me in my motion. I gasped as I braced my stomach with my arm.

He was quick to support me and help me lay back down. “I just told you to take it easy,” Leonard looked around like there were other people in the room, “no one ever seems to listen,” he huffed before grabbing a nearby pre-filled syringe. I felt him tug on a device on my arm and then, almost instantly, a warm sensation flooded throughout my body. I felt weightless, like I was floating, but I was content.

“Tha’ feels mush better,” I slurred.

“I had to fix your spleen, I didn’t take it out”. McCoy paused for his sarcasm, “you’re welcome. But you’re definitely going to be sore for a few days. I need to make sure you don’t do anything stupid to mess up my impeccable work,” his smirk was refreshing. “That means you’re staying here with me for a day or two, no arguments”.

“I guess I owe you one”.

He leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead. I couldn’t help but smile. “Please don’t ever scare me like that again”.


End file.
